Saturday, March 29, 2008

you say that things change, my dear...

I keep waiting for this to go away.

I've hated myself and my life in waves since I was old enough to realize that I wasn't going to grow up to look like a model, that I was too unlucky to ever have things land in my lap, too stubborn to settle and too smart to pretend to be happy.

Usually, it goes away. Something iinally changes and I find a reason to smile, to pick up my feet a little. To look forward. I think that this is the first time in a really long time that I've felt so lost, hopeless and ugly for months without a break. And every single day it gets worse. Today it took me half an hour just to decide what to wear because nothing actually fit and everything made me look like a cow. I haven't felt right in my skin since last summer. But today I actually wanted to tear it all off. I actually disgust myself right now. Several times this week I've had to disappear to the bathroom just so no one would see me cry. I've sat, watching TV but not looking, tears pouring down my cheeks and the sound grazing past my ears. I'm spinning into this abyss that I can't get out of and I want to.. sleep forever.

I am so fucking alone. No one, nothing touches me. I live behind a mask and inside a bubble and I just.. function.

I can't function much longer. I can't... do this. I can't be alone forever. I thought I could be strong enough to face my future but... I can't.

2 comments:

konfusedfae said...

I'm so sorry baby girl.

This made me cry. I hurt when you hurt. I feel what you feel, even when I'm not there. I was watching that movie tonight, but I couldn't watch it. I was thinking of you. I just KNEW you were hurting.. and I knew I'd find a post here.

I wish I could give you that happiness you need and deserve. I wish I could hold up the mirror infront of you and make you see what I see. The beauty, the potential, the love.

I wish you knew that you are never alone. That you are always on my mind, and you are always. ALWAYS. In my heart.

I wish I was enough.

Christine said...

Please don't sleep. Everyone would miss you and you would miss so much. Sleep is a horrid escape. (Personally it is mine.) Everyone has them. The post after this is more true. True to the person I see you as. Which is a truly amazing person.