you'd be waiting there whenever I am all alone...

I am going to be the change I want to see in the world.

I own my life, and I'm taking it back. I remember sitting on the plane on my way to Ireland last summer and thinking "This is mine. I own this. I have done this for myself." And I want to feel that way about every day, every moment of my life.

And with a little help from my girl, I'm going to figure it out. Amin mela lle, vanima. <3

you say that things change, my dear...

I keep waiting for this to go away.

I've hated myself and my life in waves since I was old enough to realize that I wasn't going to grow up to look like a model, that I was too unlucky to ever have things land in my lap, too stubborn to settle and too smart to pretend to be happy.

Usually, it goes away. Something iinally changes and I find a reason to smile, to pick up my feet a little. To look forward. I think that this is the first time in a really long time that I've felt so lost, hopeless and ugly for months without a break. And every single day it gets worse. Today it took me half an hour just to decide what to wear because nothing actually fit and everything made me look like a cow. I haven't felt right in my skin since last summer. But today I actually wanted to tear it all off. I actually disgust myself right now. Several times this week I've had to disappear to the bathroom just so no one would see me cry. I've sat, watching TV but not looking, tears pouring down my cheeks and the sound grazing past my ears. I'm spinning into this abyss that I can't get out of and I want to.. sleep forever.

I am so fucking alone. No one, nothing touches me. I live behind a mask and inside a bubble and I just.. function.

I can't function much longer. I can't... do this. I can't be alone forever. I thought I could be strong enough to face my future but... I can't.

go on and tear me apart

after all I'm still a jerk playing with matches
it's just that he's not around to play along
I'm still an ass hole playing with candles
Blowing out wishes blowing out dreams
Just sitting here and trying to decipher
what's written in Braille upon my skin...

let's see how fast this thing can go

In this same bar where you slammed down your hand
And said “Amanda, I'm in love”, no you're not,
You're just a sucker for the ones who use you.
And it doesn't matter what I say or do,
The stupid bastard's gonna have his way with you.

So don't cry Delilah.
You're still alive Delilah.
You need a ride Delilah,
Let's see how fast this thing can go.

<3

just leave me your stardust to remember you by....

I dreamed there was someone. Who held me. Who's heart beat in my ear, who's breath stirred against my cheek. Someone who brushed the hair out of my eyes and told me I was beautiful.

I wish I was beautiful. I wish I didn't need someone to tell me that before I could believe it. I try so hard to be independent and self sufficient and the strong woman my parents raised me to be. I'm smarter than this.

But the truth is I am jelly, ready to be moulded by anyone who has the courage to love me.

I dreamed there was someone with courage, someone who saw what I want to be, deep in my eyes, rather than who I am flawed and imperfect. I dreamed that I was that person who was loved. And it wasn't the arms or the warmth or the hands that I missed when I woke. It was that other me, the one who was beautiful.

If you'll be my star, I'll be your sky,
You can hide underneath me and come out at night,
When I turn jet black and you show off your light,
I live to let you shine, I live to let you shine,

But you can skyrocket away from me,
And never come back if you find another galaxy,
Far from here where there's more room to fly,
Just leave me your stardust to remember you by.

i thought i'd be

When asked to name the one person absent from her life that she missed the most, she responded, "The person I hoped I'd be by this point in my life." - onesentence.org

a hunger

i am reading Sexing the Cherry.

i am in love.

It's a short book but I haven't been able to read the whole thing yet because I'm just.. overwhelmed. I feel like it's feeding this hunger in my soul and I have to take a break when I get too full. How can someone else have the words that belong to my soul?

Every journey conceals another journey within its lines: the path not take and the forgotten angle. These are journeys I wish to record. Not the ones I made, but the ones I might have made, or perhaps did make in some other place or time. I could tell you the truth as you will fing it in diaries and maps and log-books. I could faithfully describe all that I saw and hear and give you a travel book. You could follow it then, tracing those travels with your finger, putting red flags where I went
For the Greeks, the hidden life demanded invisible ink. They wrote an ordinary letter and in between the lines set out another letter, written in milk. The document looked innocent enough until one who knew better sprinkled coal-dust over it. What they letter had been no longer mattered; what mattered was the life flaring up undetected... till now.
I discovered that my own life was written invisibly, was squashed between the facts, was flying without me like the Twelve Dancing Princesses who shot from their window every night and returned home every morning with torn dresses and worn-out slippers and remembered nothing.
I resolved to set a watch on myself like a jealous father, trying to catch myself disappearing through a door just noticed in the wall. I knew I was being adulterous; that what I loved was not going on at home. I was giving myself the slip and walking through this world like a shadow. The longer I eluded myself the more obsessed I became with the thought of discovery. Occasionally, in company, someone would snap their fingers in front of my face and ask, "Where are you?" For a long time I had no idea, but gradually I began to find evidence of the other life and gradually it appeared before me.
- Sexing the Cherry, Jeanette Winterson