This is too much. I passed my breaking point more twelve hours ago.
I've lost control over my life.
I want this to be over. I don't see it ending well.
And I ask myself, why do I do this to myself? And why do I always think it can't get worse?
This morning I am taking two exams, worth 50% each, for a course I've written 4 essays for this month. This is on top of the six course overload I'm already doing at my REAL school this semester.
I honestly haven't been able to really breathe since August. I never thought I could be more stressed than the year I had three jobs, one of which was at 4am. Boy, was I wrong. I guess I was wrong about a lot of things, like the amount of shit I can handle and that the worse thing that could happen is an emotional break down. But no. The worse thing is being past the point of crying since September.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
I guess I'll start to walk, it's only 1300 blocks
For 50 days I have resisted publishing my annoyance at the current bus strike in Ottawa. Tonight, I will. Through this ingenious song by a local comedian.
I'm not interested in whether it's the union's fault or the city's. It just needs to end. It's ridiculous.
I'm not interested in whether it's the union's fault or the city's. It just needs to end. It's ridiculous.
Google Desktop
I've been meaning to look into GoogleDesktop for a while now, and today while I was reading the Gmail Blog¹, I found this: http://gmailblog.blogspot.com/2009/01/get-calendar-on-your-google-desktop.html which led me to installing GoogleDesktop. I usually like anything in the Google family² and this is no exception. I now have a calendar on my desktop, the weather, Twitter, and my RSS feed. The people at Google consistently amaze me, and I'm happy they are able to offer me my Gmail, iGoogle, GoogleDesktop, Google Analytics and more for free.
Also, footnotes are awesome.
¹ Because I am procrastinating studying for my Canadian history exams.
² Except Google Chrome, their web browser, but that's just because it needs more work.
Also, footnotes are awesome.
¹ Because I am procrastinating studying for my Canadian history exams.
² Except Google Chrome, their web browser, but that's just because it needs more work.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Stuff that's cute!
I think that I'm missing my kitty. Today, I'm dreaming about getting a kitten. And a puppy. I've always had a cat, and I get really lonely when there's not one living with me. Even if it's Socrates, who gets stuck on my wall in the middle of the night.
I think I've been spending too much time on cuteoverload.
I think I've been spending too much time on cuteoverload.Sunday, January 25, 2009
In bed
As much as I hate journalism, I have always found the academic study of media interesting. I wrote an essay in first year, for JOUR1000, about censorship in the Vietnam War, specifically the coverage of the My Lai massacre. Four years later, I am revisiting this topic for JOUR4000. My essay this year is about embedded journalism, and how exposing something like the My Lai massacre isn't possible in today's conflicts (specifically the Iraq War) because journalists are most often in bed with the military and heavily censored (whether imposed or self censored) because of it. But the reality of way wars are fought now means that it's even more dangerous than before for journalists to go without the protection of the military. But what price do you pay for the protection? Is the public interest served by embedded journalists?
Sometimes, journalism is interesting. Sadly, I have to finish this in the next 12 hours...
Sometimes, journalism is interesting. Sadly, I have to finish this in the next 12 hours...
Blink, blink
Sitting here watching the cursor blink on a Word document where I will eventually (before 8:30 tomorrow morning) write 2,000 words about embedded journalism and public interest.
I'm so ready to be done my undergrad. It feels like the last semester of high school all over again.
Also to do this week:
-Two exams
-Grad school applications
-Rewrite first Athabasca essay
-Death?
I'm so ready to be done my undergrad. It feels like the last semester of high school all over again.
Also to do this week:
-Two exams
-Grad school applications
-Rewrite first Athabasca essay
-Death?
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
The History of Love
You can't help but fall in love with this book. It's poetically beautiful. Krauss weaves the lives of several people together through different points of view , all of which revolve around one thing: The History of Love, a book written long ago. The book was given to Alma's mother by her now dead father, and she is now translating it into English on the request of a wealthy man, whose life is also connected to the book in a mysterious way. The origins of this book are a mystery, one that Alma is trying to solve in order to help her mother's grief. But what every character in this novel is really trying to find is the origin of love itself.
I can't say much more about it, other than it's beautiful.
Instead of folding down the corners of the pages I wanted to remember, like I normally do, I decided to put little sticky notes. Well, the book is now full of sticky notes, and these are some of my favourite lines:
"When I got older, I decided I wanted to be a real writer. I tried to write about real things. I wanted to describe the world, because to live in an undescribed world was too lonely."
"At times I believed that the last page of my book and the last page of my life were one and the same, that when my book ended I'd end, a great wind would sweep through my rooms carrying the pages awa, and when the air cleared of all those fluttering white sheets the room would be silent, the chair where I sat would be empty."
"Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering."
"There were rumors that Mr. Goldstein slept only an hour a night in the basement of the hul, that he had been in a labor camp in Siberia, that his heart was weak, that a loud noise could kill him, that snow made him cry."
"She's kept her love for him as alive as the summer they first met. In order to do this, she's turned life away. Sometimes she subsists for days on waterr and air."
"During the Age of Glass, everyone believed some part of him or her to be extremely fragile. For some it was a hand, for others a femus, yet others believed it was their noses that were made of glass."
"During the Age of Silence, people communicated more, not less. Basic survival demanded that the hands were almost never still, and so it was only during sleep (and sometimes not even then) that people were not saying something or other. No distinction was made between the gestures of language and the gestures of life."
"The mistakes were heartbreaking. And yet, because people knew how easily they could happen, because they didn't go around with the illusion that they understood perfectly the things other people said, they were used to interrupting each other to ask if they'd understood correctly."
"It's possible I cried. What' the difference?"
"Just as there was a first instant when someone rubbed two sticks together to make a spark, there was a first time joy was felt, and a first time for sadness. For a while, new feelings were being invented all the time. Desire was born early, as was regret."
"It's also true that sometimes people felt things and, because there was no word for them, they went unmentioned. The oldest emotion in the world may be that of being moved' but to describe it - just to name it - must have been like trying to catch something invisible."
"From time to time when a piece of music no one has ever written, or a painting no one has ever painted, or something else impossible to predict, fathom, or yet describe takes place, a new feeling enters the world. And then, for the millionth time in the history of feeling, the heart surges, and absorbs the impact."
"So many words get lost The leave the mouth and lose their courage, wandering aimlessly until they are swept into the gutter like dead leaves. On rainy days you can hear their chorus rushing past: IwasabeautifulgirlPleasedon'tgoItoobelievemybodyismadeofglassI'veneverlovedanythingIthinkofmyselfasfunnyForgive me..."
"His room was tiny, and every morning he had to squeeze around the truth just to get to the bathroom."
"Why do people always get named after dead people? If they have to be named after anything at all, why can't it be things, which have more permanence, like the sky or the sea, or even ideas, which never really died, not even bad ones?"
I can't say much more about it, other than it's beautiful.
Instead of folding down the corners of the pages I wanted to remember, like I normally do, I decided to put little sticky notes. Well, the book is now full of sticky notes, and these are some of my favourite lines:
"When I got older, I decided I wanted to be a real writer. I tried to write about real things. I wanted to describe the world, because to live in an undescribed world was too lonely."
"At times I believed that the last page of my book and the last page of my life were one and the same, that when my book ended I'd end, a great wind would sweep through my rooms carrying the pages awa, and when the air cleared of all those fluttering white sheets the room would be silent, the chair where I sat would be empty."
"Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering."
"There were rumors that Mr. Goldstein slept only an hour a night in the basement of the hul, that he had been in a labor camp in Siberia, that his heart was weak, that a loud noise could kill him, that snow made him cry."
"She's kept her love for him as alive as the summer they first met. In order to do this, she's turned life away. Sometimes she subsists for days on waterr and air."
"During the Age of Glass, everyone believed some part of him or her to be extremely fragile. For some it was a hand, for others a femus, yet others believed it was their noses that were made of glass."
"During the Age of Silence, people communicated more, not less. Basic survival demanded that the hands were almost never still, and so it was only during sleep (and sometimes not even then) that people were not saying something or other. No distinction was made between the gestures of language and the gestures of life."
"The mistakes were heartbreaking. And yet, because people knew how easily they could happen, because they didn't go around with the illusion that they understood perfectly the things other people said, they were used to interrupting each other to ask if they'd understood correctly."
"It's possible I cried. What' the difference?"
"Just as there was a first instant when someone rubbed two sticks together to make a spark, there was a first time joy was felt, and a first time for sadness. For a while, new feelings were being invented all the time. Desire was born early, as was regret."
"It's also true that sometimes people felt things and, because there was no word for them, they went unmentioned. The oldest emotion in the world may be that of being moved' but to describe it - just to name it - must have been like trying to catch something invisible."
"From time to time when a piece of music no one has ever written, or a painting no one has ever painted, or something else impossible to predict, fathom, or yet describe takes place, a new feeling enters the world. And then, for the millionth time in the history of feeling, the heart surges, and absorbs the impact."
"So many words get lost The leave the mouth and lose their courage, wandering aimlessly until they are swept into the gutter like dead leaves. On rainy days you can hear their chorus rushing past: IwasabeautifulgirlPleasedon'tgoItoobelievemybodyismadeofglassI'veneverlovedanythingIthinkofmyselfasfunnyForgive me..."
"His room was tiny, and every morning he had to squeeze around the truth just to get to the bathroom."
"Why do people always get named after dead people? If they have to be named after anything at all, why can't it be things, which have more permanence, like the sky or the sea, or even ideas, which never really died, not even bad ones?"
Monday, January 19, 2009
xoxo
"Watching you fail spectacularly gives me so much joy."
I am the first one to admit that I am ridiculously amused by bad (and good) TV. Every time I have important things to do, I decide to watch an entire season (or series) of something. Big Love, Arrested Development, Secret Life of the American Teenager, Six Feet Under, How I Met Your Mother, anything that's worth a watch. I have very little taste when it comes to television or movies. I just like to be entertained.
In the past week or so, Kristen and I have been obsessively watching Gossip Girl (I also read the books in high school). I have to say, I'm addicted. Especially to Mr. Chuck Bass, pictured above. He's an asshole, but I love him.
I am the first one to admit that I am ridiculously amused by bad (and good) TV. Every time I have important things to do, I decide to watch an entire season (or series) of something. Big Love, Arrested Development, Secret Life of the American Teenager, Six Feet Under, How I Met Your Mother, anything that's worth a watch. I have very little taste when it comes to television or movies. I just like to be entertained.
In the past week or so, Kristen and I have been obsessively watching Gossip Girl (I also read the books in high school). I have to say, I'm addicted. Especially to Mr. Chuck Bass, pictured above. He's an asshole, but I love him.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Prologue
I have always had at least three books in me. There are three things I have always known I would be able to write a novel about. The first in my adaptation of the Metamorphoses. The second is the story of Cleopatra and Antony's daughter, Cleopatra Selene.
The third is the story that Fae and I have been writing since we were 13 years old. A story with a cast of over 500, at least half of which we know almost personally. Now we're going to write it. And putting it down here makes it more real. I don't know how we're going to do it, exactly, living in two different countries and with completely different schedules (neither of which include that much spare time). But I'm really excited to start it.
I don't know what happens when I finally write these three books. But I've always know I would. Maybe they'll be good, maybe they'll be bad. But they need to be written.
And I'm so happy to be writing this one with my Faebala.
The third is the story that Fae and I have been writing since we were 13 years old. A story with a cast of over 500, at least half of which we know almost personally. Now we're going to write it. And putting it down here makes it more real. I don't know how we're going to do it, exactly, living in two different countries and with completely different schedules (neither of which include that much spare time). But I'm really excited to start it.
I don't know what happens when I finally write these three books. But I've always know I would. Maybe they'll be good, maybe they'll be bad. But they need to be written.
And I'm so happy to be writing this one with my Faebala.
Urgh.
I have written over 10,000 words in the last week. I wrote four essays about Canadian History, a book review about the Origin of Species and an article for CarletonNow.
I am spent. I am going to sleep.
Never, ever take a course online.
I am spent. I am going to sleep.
Never, ever take a course online.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Kate Winslet
Since I was talking a few posts ago about my favourite bands, and since today we watched the Golden Globes, I thought it might be a good time to mention my absolute favourite actress. (Also, I'm currently writing the third of four essays this week, and I needed to take a break).
Kate Winslet is phenomenal. I loved her in Titanic, first. Quills is one of my absolute fa
vourite movies (my favourite actor, Joaquin Phoenix, is in that too). Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Life of David Gale, Heavenly Creature... all very good movies. Kate has been nominated for 5 Oscars and 7 Golden Globes, but before tonight she had never won. I don't know why - I think she's brilliant. I was so excited, however, that tonight she won two Golden Globes. Best Supporting Actress for The Reader and Best Actress for Revolutionary Road. Sadly, I haven't had a chance to see either of these movies yet, but I'm sure she was great in them. And she was so happy when she won, it was adorable. I've read and seen interviews with her before, and she's such a down to earth person for an actress, and she's had a lot of body issues in the industry. I really admire her as being determined not to change for other people. And besides, I think she's gorgeous the way she is. Actually, I think she's prettier as a size 10 in Titanic than a size 4 in Eternal Sunshine.
I also think she should dye her hair back to red, because she looks way better as a red head. what can I say.. I have a thing for red heads!
Kate Winslet is phenomenal. I loved her in Titanic, first. Quills is one of my absolute fa
vourite movies (my favourite actor, Joaquin Phoenix, is in that too). Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Life of David Gale, Heavenly Creature... all very good movies. Kate has been nominated for 5 Oscars and 7 Golden Globes, but before tonight she had never won. I don't know why - I think she's brilliant. I was so excited, however, that tonight she won two Golden Globes. Best Supporting Actress for The Reader and Best Actress for Revolutionary Road. Sadly, I haven't had a chance to see either of these movies yet, but I'm sure she was great in them. And she was so happy when she won, it was adorable. I've read and seen interviews with her before, and she's such a down to earth person for an actress, and she's had a lot of body issues in the industry. I really admire her as being determined not to change for other people. And besides, I think she's gorgeous the way she is. Actually, I think she's prettier as a size 10 in Titanic than a size 4 in Eternal Sunshine.I also think she should dye her hair back to red, because she looks way better as a red head. what can I say.. I have a thing for red heads!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Live like there's no tomorrow
#7. Dance like no one's watching.
Last night was by far one my best nights out with the girls yet. And the funniest thing was that it really didn't work out all that well, but we had a great time anyway. First of all, I wasn't sure I wanted to go out to begin with, because I still wasn't sure if I could drink after the New Years fiasco last week. But then Chris came over for dinner, and we started getting ready to go out, so I had a beer. I love the getting ready part of the night, that everyone gets to dress their hottest, wear makeup and clothes they don't normally get to wear.
We went over to Kyomi and Tessa's house next, to continue the pre drinking. And after a game of Kings, a game of hockey, and three more beers I was definitely excited to go out. Unfortunately, we had difficulties getting a cab (or making it downstairs before the cab left...) so we didn't get downtown until after a 11. This is a problem, because it's widely known that you'll never get in if you get there after 11 on a weekend. The line ups are jut too long. We waited in line for a long time (I even went to my sister's work to pee, came back and they still weren't inside). Finally, we gave up. As we were walking around wondering what to do (and getting more and more sober and cold) some guy came out of a door nearby and said "Hey, this is the best bar ever! Come in!" So, obviously, we did. It was not the best bar ever. It was actually a really expensive bar that played dance club music but no one was dancing.
Well, after having a vodka and lime (I know, broke the resolution already....) I decided I was going to dance, because that was why we came out! So I dragged Kristen on to the "dance floor" (aka the open area in front of the bathrooms) and we danced. I spent at least an hour out there, with Kristen for a bit, then Chris, then Kyomi and Kristen. And I was having so much fun! I was sober enough that I think it took guts to keep dancing when everyone else in the bar was watching and I did it anyways. We owned that dance floor.
The reason for #7, for me, was always to be comfortable enough just to do whatever I wanted to do, regardless of other people. And I did that last night. And I loved being that person. I don't think I'm going to let her go.
"Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like no one's watching.
Sing like no one's listening.
Live like there's no tomorrow."
Last night was by far one my best nights out with the girls yet. And the funniest thing was that it really didn't work out all that well, but we had a great time anyway. First of all, I wasn't sure I wanted to go out to begin with, because I still wasn't sure if I could drink after the New Years fiasco last week. But then Chris came over for dinner, and we started getting ready to go out, so I had a beer. I love the getting ready part of the night, that everyone gets to dress their hottest, wear makeup and clothes they don't normally get to wear.
We went over to Kyomi and Tessa's house next, to continue the pre drinking. And after a game of Kings, a game of hockey, and three more beers I was definitely excited to go out. Unfortunately, we had difficulties getting a cab (or making it downstairs before the cab left...) so we didn't get downtown until after a 11. This is a problem, because it's widely known that you'll never get in if you get there after 11 on a weekend. The line ups are jut too long. We waited in line for a long time (I even went to my sister's work to pee, came back and they still weren't inside). Finally, we gave up. As we were walking around wondering what to do (and getting more and more sober and cold) some guy came out of a door nearby and said "Hey, this is the best bar ever! Come in!" So, obviously, we did. It was not the best bar ever. It was actually a really expensive bar that played dance club music but no one was dancing.
Well, after having a vodka and lime (I know, broke the resolution already....) I decided I was going to dance, because that was why we came out! So I dragged Kristen on to the "dance floor" (aka the open area in front of the bathrooms) and we danced. I spent at least an hour out there, with Kristen for a bit, then Chris, then Kyomi and Kristen. And I was having so much fun! I was sober enough that I think it took guts to keep dancing when everyone else in the bar was watching and I did it anyways. We owned that dance floor.
The reason for #7, for me, was always to be comfortable enough just to do whatever I wanted to do, regardless of other people. And I did that last night. And I loved being that person. I don't think I'm going to let her go.
"Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like no one's watching.
Sing like no one's listening.
Live like there's no tomorrow."
Friday, January 9, 2009
Songbird
When I would play my song
You used to sing along.
I always seem to forget
How fragile are the very strong.
I'm sorry I can't steal you
I'm sorry I can't stay
So I put band-aids on your knees
And watch you fly away...
I'm sending you away tonight
I'll put you on a bird's strong wing
I'm saving you the best way I know how
I hope again one day to hear you sing
You know we're not so far away
Get on a boat, get on a train
And if you ever think you're drowning
I'll try to slow the rain
In two years or so
Drop me a line
Write me a letter
I hope to find you're doing better, better than today, better everyday
I'm sending you away tonight
I'll put you on a bird's strong wing
I'm saving you the best way I know how
I hope again one day to hear you sing
I'm saving you the only way that I know how
I hope again one day to hear you sing
I hope again one day to see you bring your smile back around again
Ingrid Michaelson is love.
You used to sing along.
I always seem to forget
How fragile are the very strong.
I'm sorry I can't steal you
I'm sorry I can't stay
So I put band-aids on your knees
And watch you fly away...
I'm sending you away tonight
I'll put you on a bird's strong wing
I'm saving you the best way I know how
I hope again one day to hear you sing
You know we're not so far away
Get on a boat, get on a train
And if you ever think you're drowning
I'll try to slow the rain
In two years or so
Drop me a line
Write me a letter
I hope to find you're doing better, better than today, better everyday
I'm sending you away tonight
I'll put you on a bird's strong wing
I'm saving you the best way I know how
I hope again one day to hear you sing
I'm saving you the only way that I know how
I hope again one day to hear you sing
I hope again one day to see you bring your smile back around again
Ingrid Michaelson is love.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Number 57
I've blogged a little bit about it in the past, but two years ago I made a list of 100 things to do before I die. Since March 10, 2007, I have done 17 of these things - which includes things like #90 Shoot a gun, #73 Kiss someone in a foreign country, #61 Make the mix CD to play at my funeral - include Dancing in the Rain, #68 Feel infinite, #49 Wear an elaborate historical dress for a whole day, #60 Get a tattoo, and so on.
The whole idea for this list started when I was in high school, and my best friend Courtney and I would make a list each year of ten things we wanted to do that year. A couple of years we got close, but I don't think either of us ever did any of them completely. But I think it's a really good way to think about the things you really want from life, even small things that you think will make a difference to your life experience. Take #90 Shoot a gun for example. I don't really believe in guns, in fact, they terrify me. But I wanted to say that I knew what it felt like. So I put it on the list.
Needless to say, I live by the idea of my list. I think the fact that I've done 17 of them in 2 years is pretty impressive, considering that I still have a whole lifetime (I hope) to do the rest. I also made Steph and Lain do them in Ireland, though I don't know if they still have them or follow them. The trick with the list, though, is that you can't revise it. You write it at a really key point in your life (for me it was around the time I knew I was going to Ireland for sure) and you have to stick with it. Even though there are some things on my list I don't really want to do anymore, like #53 Learn Arabic, or #32 Be an extra in a movie. Another thing is that you have to put some that are easily obtainable, that you know will happen eventually (#25 Own a house, #27 See Stonehenge). And you have to have a good combination of life goals, fun things, experiences and sexual or relationship things.
I don't make New Years resolutions anymore, because of the list. But I decided to go through it again last night and pick at least 8 of the things I would try to do this year. I haven't picked exactly which yet, but here are the ones I listed:
#98. Make my own jewelry.
#82. Ride in a hot air balloon.
#75. Live alone at my cottage for a week with no phone or internet.
#74. Ride a motorcycle.
#67. Make a mix CD for each year of my life to date.
#63. Sleep under the stars.
#62. Cry in the rain.
#58. Learn 5 quotes off by heart to use in everyday life.
#56. Spend an entire day at the movie theatre.
#29. Be a vegetarian for at least a month.
#26. Get a degree.
#7. Dance like no one's watching.
#4. Leave someone behind.
#1. Fall completely, utterly, stupidly in love.
Some of them I just have to make myself do, like 67, 56, 98. Some are definitely going to happen like 26. And some I can really just hope for, like 1.
Anyway, when I was writing this list last night I realized for the first time in two years that I forgot #57. I have no #57 (obviously, I can't count). Which is perfect, because now I get to revise it just a little bit and add one. I just have to decide what.
By the way, if you're thinking I should post the list in full someday, I won't. Some of them are very personal, and though some people in my life have read the whole thing, they are not for internet publication.
The whole idea for this list started when I was in high school, and my best friend Courtney and I would make a list each year of ten things we wanted to do that year. A couple of years we got close, but I don't think either of us ever did any of them completely. But I think it's a really good way to think about the things you really want from life, even small things that you think will make a difference to your life experience. Take #90 Shoot a gun for example. I don't really believe in guns, in fact, they terrify me. But I wanted to say that I knew what it felt like. So I put it on the list.
Needless to say, I live by the idea of my list. I think the fact that I've done 17 of them in 2 years is pretty impressive, considering that I still have a whole lifetime (I hope) to do the rest. I also made Steph and Lain do them in Ireland, though I don't know if they still have them or follow them. The trick with the list, though, is that you can't revise it. You write it at a really key point in your life (for me it was around the time I knew I was going to Ireland for sure) and you have to stick with it. Even though there are some things on my list I don't really want to do anymore, like #53 Learn Arabic, or #32 Be an extra in a movie. Another thing is that you have to put some that are easily obtainable, that you know will happen eventually (#25 Own a house, #27 See Stonehenge). And you have to have a good combination of life goals, fun things, experiences and sexual or relationship things.
I don't make New Years resolutions anymore, because of the list. But I decided to go through it again last night and pick at least 8 of the things I would try to do this year. I haven't picked exactly which yet, but here are the ones I listed:
#98. Make my own jewelry.
#82. Ride in a hot air balloon.
#75. Live alone at my cottage for a week with no phone or internet.
#74. Ride a motorcycle.
#67. Make a mix CD for each year of my life to date.
#63. Sleep under the stars.
#62. Cry in the rain.
#58. Learn 5 quotes off by heart to use in everyday life.
#56. Spend an entire day at the movie theatre.
#29. Be a vegetarian for at least a month.
#26. Get a degree.
#7. Dance like no one's watching.
#4. Leave someone behind.
#1. Fall completely, utterly, stupidly in love.
Some of them I just have to make myself do, like 67, 56, 98. Some are definitely going to happen like 26. And some I can really just hope for, like 1.
Anyway, when I was writing this list last night I realized for the first time in two years that I forgot #57. I have no #57 (obviously, I can't count). Which is perfect, because now I get to revise it just a little bit and add one. I just have to decide what.
By the way, if you're thinking I should post the list in full someday, I won't. Some of them are very personal, and though some people in my life have read the whole thing, they are not for internet publication.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Not looking for a miracle, just a reason to believe...
I spent a little time today with my first love, Savage Garden. And I think I've rekindled the flame.
Is there any thing that can ever compare to the first song you fall in love with? That's what music has always been for me - falling in love. And Savage Garden.. there's this melodramatic pop music 13-year-old-girl part of me that aches every time I hear Hold Me, Crash and Burn, Affirmation, Tears of Pearls, Moon and Back... all of them. There is not a single song on those two CDs that I don't love, don't know every single word to. When I was younger, I went to North Carolina with my family. Fifteen hour drive. The only CD I listened to was Affirmation. And I never once got tired of it. To this day, those songs have never gotten old for me. I've given a total of 7 Savage Garden CDs as presents. The only close runner up is Something Corporate, I've given four copies of Leaving Through the Window.
Savage Garden holds a place in my heart that no other band or song ever could. Honestly, like a first love. It was the music I loved when I was hopeful and 13, when I was hopeless and 16. I firmly believe that you never love music more than the music you loved when you were young. I'm still young; I'm still falling in love with new songs all the time. But there are few that compare to the songs of my most fragile teenage years: Savage Garden, Something Corporate, Brand New, Sugarcult, Death Cab for Cutie, Bright Eyes.
Savage Garden has always reminded me that you can learn from pain. Start Static by Sugarcult always made me start off angry, and end up crying. Still does. Brand New was one of the only tapes I had in Blanche, in the last year of high school, that I played really loud when I was pissed off. I used to listen to Something Corporate's Leaving Through the Window for hours. I would just lie on my bed, stare at the ceiling and listen. To every line, every bar... I could isolate each instrument on that CD. And I would dream and think and just... feel. Bright Eyes is the most hopeless times in my life, so potent that just listening to a favourite Bright Eyes song can make me cry. Death Cab for Cutie was about hope and love and hope for love and, for me, is the sexiest music I've ever heard, it seduces me every time.
I have new loves in my life; Regina Spektor, Ingrid Michaelson, Gregory and the Hawk, Jack Johnson... But nothing ever feels the same as Savage Garden.
Is there any thing that can ever compare to the first song you fall in love with? That's what music has always been for me - falling in love. And Savage Garden.. there's this melodramatic pop music 13-year-old-girl part of me that aches every time I hear Hold Me, Crash and Burn, Affirmation, Tears of Pearls, Moon and Back... all of them. There is not a single song on those two CDs that I don't love, don't know every single word to. When I was younger, I went to North Carolina with my family. Fifteen hour drive. The only CD I listened to was Affirmation. And I never once got tired of it. To this day, those songs have never gotten old for me. I've given a total of 7 Savage Garden CDs as presents. The only close runner up is Something Corporate, I've given four copies of Leaving Through the Window.
Savage Garden holds a place in my heart that no other band or song ever could. Honestly, like a first love. It was the music I loved when I was hopeful and 13, when I was hopeless and 16. I firmly believe that you never love music more than the music you loved when you were young. I'm still young; I'm still falling in love with new songs all the time. But there are few that compare to the songs of my most fragile teenage years: Savage Garden, Something Corporate, Brand New, Sugarcult, Death Cab for Cutie, Bright Eyes.
Savage Garden has always reminded me that you can learn from pain. Start Static by Sugarcult always made me start off angry, and end up crying. Still does. Brand New was one of the only tapes I had in Blanche, in the last year of high school, that I played really loud when I was pissed off. I used to listen to Something Corporate's Leaving Through the Window for hours. I would just lie on my bed, stare at the ceiling and listen. To every line, every bar... I could isolate each instrument on that CD. And I would dream and think and just... feel. Bright Eyes is the most hopeless times in my life, so potent that just listening to a favourite Bright Eyes song can make me cry. Death Cab for Cutie was about hope and love and hope for love and, for me, is the sexiest music I've ever heard, it seduces me every time.
I have new loves in my life; Regina Spektor, Ingrid Michaelson, Gregory and the Hawk, Jack Johnson... But nothing ever feels the same as Savage Garden.
Friday, January 2, 2009
The end of 2008, beginning of 2009: an epic
I was just talking to Fae and telling her my stories from the last two days, and she suggested that they were very entertaining and I should write about them. So, in an effort to avoid doing Canadian History (which I'm very good at avoiding), here is the recap of my New Years fun.
Let me preface this by saying that vodka is not my friend, and my 2009 New Year's resolution is not to drink anymore hard liquor.
LMac and I traveled to Toronto for New Year's last year, which most of you know. We had a really good time, especially the getting ready together and drinking wine part. So we decided that we wanted to do something similar this year. Originally, we were going to go back to TO for a party, but we ended up staying in Ottawa. And we traveled to my apartment instead.
I made a great dinner and we started drinking early. At about 5. We thought we'd have some of the Smirnoff Cosmopolitan mix she brought. First ingredient: vodka. Bottle: empty by the end of dinner. We were having a great time talking and eating and drinking. We started into the giant bottle of Wild Vine that I'd bought. Steph phoned and said she was coming over soon, and we realized that it was about 8:30 already. I think. Anyway, whatever time it was, we decided to get ready. Amazingly enough I was still able to put on liquid eyeliner, despite the fact that we'd already finished the bottle of wine between us. Clearly, it was time for beer!
Steph arrived and we all drank more. Called a cab to go to Lindsay's party, eventually left because I thought I'd heard it honk outside. As we're going down the stairs I see one of the girls from Apt 2, who I'd never met, so I pause to say hi.. and fall own the stairs. And I don't just mean trip down a few stairs. I actually fell, face first, from the top landing to the bottom. Didn't feel a thing though! Until the next morning. While we were waiting for a cab for I helped the girls from Apt 2 break in through their fire escape.
Eventually we get to Lindsay's. You might think that after falling down the stairs me or someone else would decide that I should not be drinking anymore. Nope. I had a couple of beers after that.
Fast forward (but not much) to 10:50pm and I'm passing out on Lindsay on the couch. "Heather, do you want to go lie down?" "I can't! It'll be midnight in 10 minutes!" "No.... an hour an ten minutes." "Oh, okay. Good idea!" So I go lie down in Lindsay's bed. Someone brings in bucket. I want to say, for the record, that if the bucket hadn't been there, I would've gotten off my ass and gone to the bathroom. It was just convinient that I could still be comfy while throwing up! Especially since I was doing it for the next two hours, and missed the countdown. Anyway, major props to Lindsay for taking care of me and being awesome.
At about 12:30 I'd stopped throwing up, so I got up and rejoined the party. Mostly just to see when we were planning on going home. I take one look at Steph, across the room, and say "She's next." Which she was. Less than half an hour later, she was throwing up in the bathroom. We're such great company! There was this guy there who'd been hitting on her all night, and as soon as I came out and she disappeared, he switched to me. I actually told this guy that I'd spent the last two hours throwing up and he continued to hit on me. Classy.
Eventually, I go home with Kaitlyn, LMc and Jess, and LMac stays back with Steph and they take a cab later. We all pass out.
Yesterday, I spent almost the entire day feeling like I was going to die. I could barely move. Poor Steph I think was worse.
Of course, we'd already made plans to go to 90s night at Barrymore's yesterday night, so after mopping around all day I finally showered and got ready to go out. Though our numbers had dwindled greatly since the original plan (from 9 to 4) we still had a really good time. I, obviously, wasn't drinking, so I drove Kaitlyn's car even though none of us ended up drinking anyway. We got there a little early, sat down and hung out. Until Ain't Nothing but Mammals by the Bloodhound Gang came on and, having flashbacks to grade 6 dances, I made everyone get up and dance with me. The DJ then proceeded to play mostly 90s hip hop... which I clearly don't know, instead of the greats like BSB, Hanson, early Britney... So we got a little bored during that.
BUT. A constant redeeming factor of the night was the stage dancers. There's a part at Barrymore's that's a stage when they have a band, but you can dance up there during dance nights. And apparently, this guy with a silver jacket comes every 90s night and gets really into it, dancing around on the stage. So, Silver Jacket got up and did his thing, and I found it oh so amusing. But then it got better!! On to the stage steps a guy in a suit and cowboy hat. He also starts dancing around, totally into it, but with a lot more country in his step. Now Silver Jacket and Cowboy are having a bit of a dance off.
THEN a guy wearing a hawaian shirt and sunglasses (inside at night) comes on stage. And all three of them are competing for stage space and dancing so different, near each other but in no way with each other, barey acknowledging each other, just playing it up for the crowd. This continued all night and was hilariously awesome to watch.
Another highlight of the evening: The music finally got better and they played MmmBop, Cottoneye Joe AND SAVAGE GARDEN! For anyone who doesn't know, Savage Garden is my first love. They played I Want You, which was AWESOME and I'd never gotten to dance to it in public before! It made my life! And yes, I do know all the words.
So anyway, we went to Kettleman's for bagels on the way home and generally had some good sober dancing fun! Which is an interesting contrast to my adventures the night before.
And that is the story of how I rang in 2009, and why I might never finish Canadian History.
Let me preface this by saying that vodka is not my friend, and my 2009 New Year's resolution is not to drink anymore hard liquor.
LMac and I traveled to Toronto for New Year's last year, which most of you know. We had a really good time, especially the getting ready together and drinking wine part. So we decided that we wanted to do something similar this year. Originally, we were going to go back to TO for a party, but we ended up staying in Ottawa. And we traveled to my apartment instead.
I made a great dinner and we started drinking early. At about 5. We thought we'd have some of the Smirnoff Cosmopolitan mix she brought. First ingredient: vodka. Bottle: empty by the end of dinner. We were having a great time talking and eating and drinking. We started into the giant bottle of Wild Vine that I'd bought. Steph phoned and said she was coming over soon, and we realized that it was about 8:30 already. I think. Anyway, whatever time it was, we decided to get ready. Amazingly enough I was still able to put on liquid eyeliner, despite the fact that we'd already finished the bottle of wine between us. Clearly, it was time for beer!
Steph arrived and we all drank more. Called a cab to go to Lindsay's party, eventually left because I thought I'd heard it honk outside. As we're going down the stairs I see one of the girls from Apt 2, who I'd never met, so I pause to say hi.. and fall own the stairs. And I don't just mean trip down a few stairs. I actually fell, face first, from the top landing to the bottom. Didn't feel a thing though! Until the next morning. While we were waiting for a cab for I helped the girls from Apt 2 break in through their fire escape.
Eventually we get to Lindsay's. You might think that after falling down the stairs me or someone else would decide that I should not be drinking anymore. Nope. I had a couple of beers after that.
Fast forward (but not much) to 10:50pm and I'm passing out on Lindsay on the couch. "Heather, do you want to go lie down?" "I can't! It'll be midnight in 10 minutes!" "No.... an hour an ten minutes." "Oh, okay. Good idea!" So I go lie down in Lindsay's bed. Someone brings in bucket. I want to say, for the record, that if the bucket hadn't been there, I would've gotten off my ass and gone to the bathroom. It was just convinient that I could still be comfy while throwing up! Especially since I was doing it for the next two hours, and missed the countdown. Anyway, major props to Lindsay for taking care of me and being awesome.
At about 12:30 I'd stopped throwing up, so I got up and rejoined the party. Mostly just to see when we were planning on going home. I take one look at Steph, across the room, and say "She's next." Which she was. Less than half an hour later, she was throwing up in the bathroom. We're such great company! There was this guy there who'd been hitting on her all night, and as soon as I came out and she disappeared, he switched to me. I actually told this guy that I'd spent the last two hours throwing up and he continued to hit on me. Classy.
Eventually, I go home with Kaitlyn, LMc and Jess, and LMac stays back with Steph and they take a cab later. We all pass out.
Yesterday, I spent almost the entire day feeling like I was going to die. I could barely move. Poor Steph I think was worse.
Of course, we'd already made plans to go to 90s night at Barrymore's yesterday night, so after mopping around all day I finally showered and got ready to go out. Though our numbers had dwindled greatly since the original plan (from 9 to 4) we still had a really good time. I, obviously, wasn't drinking, so I drove Kaitlyn's car even though none of us ended up drinking anyway. We got there a little early, sat down and hung out. Until Ain't Nothing but Mammals by the Bloodhound Gang came on and, having flashbacks to grade 6 dances, I made everyone get up and dance with me. The DJ then proceeded to play mostly 90s hip hop... which I clearly don't know, instead of the greats like BSB, Hanson, early Britney... So we got a little bored during that.
BUT. A constant redeeming factor of the night was the stage dancers. There's a part at Barrymore's that's a stage when they have a band, but you can dance up there during dance nights. And apparently, this guy with a silver jacket comes every 90s night and gets really into it, dancing around on the stage. So, Silver Jacket got up and did his thing, and I found it oh so amusing. But then it got better!! On to the stage steps a guy in a suit and cowboy hat. He also starts dancing around, totally into it, but with a lot more country in his step. Now Silver Jacket and Cowboy are having a bit of a dance off.
THEN a guy wearing a hawaian shirt and sunglasses (inside at night) comes on stage. And all three of them are competing for stage space and dancing so different, near each other but in no way with each other, barey acknowledging each other, just playing it up for the crowd. This continued all night and was hilariously awesome to watch.
Another highlight of the evening: The music finally got better and they played MmmBop, Cottoneye Joe AND SAVAGE GARDEN! For anyone who doesn't know, Savage Garden is my first love. They played I Want You, which was AWESOME and I'd never gotten to dance to it in public before! It made my life! And yes, I do know all the words.
So anyway, we went to Kettleman's for bagels on the way home and generally had some good sober dancing fun! Which is an interesting contrast to my adventures the night before.
And that is the story of how I rang in 2009, and why I might never finish Canadian History.
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