Saturday, April 11, 2009

Come September

Do you ever want something so badly that you're sure the world is going to try to take it away from you?

I am not a "lucky" person. This is not to say that I'm not incredibly fortunate to have a wonderful family, great friends and all of the opportunities that go along with a middle class upbringing and my health.

But if we're talking a roll of the dice, win the lottery, pull your name out of a hat kind of lucky - I'm not it. I envy people who have those charmed lives. We all know them, just when everything seems to be taking a turn for the worse, something comes along and saves them. They seem to somehow be given chances the rest of us don't have.

I learned a long time ago that I have to fight for everything I want in life. I learned a long time ago not to place my happiness in other people hands.

Which is why, last month, when I was making a pro/con list for grad schools and looking up cars to buy for another summer working at Pinhey's, I couldn't imagine a time where things fit together so perfectly before. I couldn't remember being that thrilled about my future.

And this is where the post gets depressing...

I try to be an optimistic person. After years of emotional pessimism in high school, I surrendered to the fact that at heart I'm a daydream believer. So over the last four years I've embraced that side of myself as much as possible.

But I knew, somewhere in the back of my mind, that something was going to go wrong.

First, I had a meeting with my boss and found out that I wasn't going to be able to go back to Pinhey's this summer. I'm conflicted about this, because the job I did get is still with the museums, but it's the Tea Coordinator job at Billings. And to truly understand why it upsets me, you have to understand how much I love Pinhey's. From the first day of my job last summer, I felt like a part of me belonged there. I loved every second of my job last summer. I couldn't imagine a better way to spend a summer, on the water in a house that was built in the early 19th century. In costume. So it's not that I'm unhappy with the job at Billings, so much as I know I'm really going to miss Pinhey's.

Secondly, I failed. Which I've written about already.

And now, the financial implications of moving to England and paying overseas tuition are catching up to me. I think I live in a little bit of a bubble, and don't fully understand what money means sometimes. I do now. The bank rejected my first application for a student line of credit this week, and now I have to look into other options.

I am a strong person. I have all the ability in the world to do things for myself. But this... I can't deal with. It's just too big. When I think about it my heart hurts and it's hard to breath.

I have gone through four years of arguably the most demanding journalism program in the country. I have hated nearly every minute of it. I have worked myself raw to get where I am and it was all leading up to this. To grad school. I may not have known it all along, but as soon as I made the decision I had that awed feeling of the pieces fitting together. This is what I wanted to do. More than anything. It was my future. I didn't need to know what came after, I just needed to know that that's where I was going to be in September.

But now, with all of these obstacles in my way, is it? Am I going to lose this?

4 comments:

Faebala said...

This post coupled with listening to "Walking In Between" and "Is Love Alive?" came in, made me cry.

In a room with other people.

I love you. My heart is breaking for you. You deserved this so much, you deserve September... I wish I had the ability to make it all happen for you.

I love you so much.

Ambles said...

I don't really know what to say, except...

THAT SUCKS!!!...

Which of course, you know.

I don't understand money either, it's a problem.

But I'm rooting for you!

Court said...

No way are you going to lose this. You're gonna think about how much other people SUCK (aka Athabasca, your boss, the bank) and eat some cookie dough, and then you're going to fight even harder to get what we all know you deserve and have really earned.

My suggestion would be to fly to England on your credit card, run into Prince Harry at a pub, take your top off and voila! Financial problems solved.

....ok I did not just advocate whoring yourself out. But aside from that option, I'm sure you'll think of something to get you through this. Because you are strong, and you won't let crappy stuff fuck up your plan for too long.

Let me know if there's anything at all I can do to help. :)

Lisa said...

:( I'm so sorry. Sometimes we are unexpectedly (and unfairly) faced with never-ending obstacles in order to test ourselves. I can tell from your posts how badly you want to study in England...I still believe it will happen for you in the end! Keep us posted!